Written by Shawn C. Horn, PsyD, ADHD-CCSP
“Look at me when I’m talking!”
How many times have you heard that? Growing up with ADHD, I was often in trouble for not looking like I was listening! This is one of the areas where we experienced shame events, being accused of having intentions, motivations, and behaviors that were “bad,” which was not true. If you were like me, you cared, you wanted to listen, and it mattered to you that people felt heard. But, you may have felt powerless to convince those around you that you were listening and did care. (Can you see how this fuels the development of rejection-sensitive dysphoria later in life?)
If you have diagnosed or undiagnosed ADHD, you too probably got in trouble for not looking like you were listening when you were. And it didn’t stop in childhood! Once, a friend thought I wasn't paying attention because I wasn't looking at them. They were shocked when I repeated back, almost word for word, everything they said!
The Paradox of ADHD Listening
When we look like we’re not listening, we’re probably listening best.
When we look like we’re listening, we’re probably not listening so well.
Why is that?
Here Are Two Reasons We Listen Best When We Look Like We Aren’t
Movement and Fidgeting Enhance Focus: For individuals with ADHD, engaging in physical movement or fidgeting can actually help them concentrate better. It’s a way for our brains to stay engaged. This might involve doodling, tapping a foot, or even walking around.
Looking Away Can Improve Comprehension: Eye contact or looking directly at the speaker can sometimes be overwhelming and distracting for people with ADHD. By looking away or not directly at the speaker, we can reduce sensory overload and focus better on the auditory information. Looking at the speaker can be distracting. We might start looking at the speaker's earrings, hair, mouth, and teeth, and before we know it, we’ve missed what was said! Additionally, some of us become anxious when looking at the speaker because we think it will draw attention to us, like in a classroom, and we will be asked to respond. We can also get anxious because when we look at the speaker, we become aware of the speaker looking at us, which will trigger our masking defenses.
Here Are Two Reasons Why When We Look Like We Are Listening, We Probably Aren’t Listening So Well
Masking to Avoid Trouble: People with ADHD often learn to mask their true behaviors to fit social expectations and avoid trouble. Because we frequently got in trouble for not appearing to pay attention, we learned to mask these behaviors. Masking involves regulating facial expressions and body language to make it look like we are listening. This effort can be exhausting and counterproductive. When someone is talking, instead of focusing fully on the content, we might be preoccupied with how we appear—thinking about how to regulate our face and body language. This creates a dual-tasking situation where our cognitive load is split between attending to what is being said while attempting to manage our appearance at the same time.
Face Regulation: We have difficulty regulating our facial expressions to look like we’re listening. Instead of naturally reflecting engagement, we might look distracted or disinterested because we are working hard to manage our appearance rather than attending to the conversation. In addition, folks with ADHD may have a weaker ventral vagal tone, which affects facial expression. The ventral vagus nerve is part of our autonomic nervous system and is connected to our facial muscles. A weaker tone can affect our ability to move facial muscles and may cause us to have a flatter facial expression, which then looks like we aren’t listening.
Impact of Masking on Listening: Masking can interfere with genuine listening and comprehension. Instead of allowing ourselves to engage in the behaviors that help us focus, like looking away or fidgeting, we force ourselves into a state that is socially acceptable but cognitively demanding. This state can make it harder for us to process and retain information, leading to misunderstandings and missed details.
The Hypocrisy of Needing Stillness and Eye Contact When We Are Talking
On the flip side, if the listener isn't looking at us or is moving around, we struggle to stay focused. That’s when we say, “Look at me when I talk to you!” It may seem hypocritical, but it’s because we become distracted by sensory stimuli, which affects our executive functioning of working memory. Working memory helps us stay on track with what we are saying. When it’s interrupted by new sensory stimuli, like a phone ringing, a person checking texts, or moving around, we can lose our train of thought and become agitated. The harder our executive functioning has to work, the more dysregulated our nervous system becomes, leading to frustration and irritability.
ADHD is a misnomer—we don’t have problems with attention; we have problems with where we place our attention and tend to attend to everything! If the listener is moving, fidgeting, or looking at their phone, our hyperattention is drawn to these added stimuli—their movement, phone, etc. To reduce the cognitive load, we ask others to do what we can't do: sit still and maintain eye contact. This helps us manage our attention and reduces the overwhelming sensory input.
Understanding This Paradox
It’s important to create environments where people with ADHD feel safe engaging in behaviors that help them focus rather than forcing them to mask and potentially hinder their own comprehension. Encouraging open communication about listening styles and needs can help reduce the need for masking and improve overall listening and comprehension.
6 Strategies to Address Improve Listening Confusion in Communication
1. Reframe How You Perceive the ADHDer’s Listening: If you need a check-in, say (with a friendly tone), “Hey, I know you are probably listening, but I can’t tell, so I want to check in. Are you with me? Did you follow what I said?”
2. If You're Distracted by Their Listening Style: Say, “I know you’re listening, but I’m having difficulty staying on track when folks move around. Is it okay if I can have five minutes of your undivided attention?”
3. Give the ADHDer the Benefit of the Doubt: Most are actually listening. Instead of jumping to the conclusion that they aren't, assume they are, but check in for clarity.
4. Educate and Advocate: Educate others about the unique listening styles of people with ADHD. Advocacy can help change perceptions and create a more inclusive environment where different listening styles are accepted. Partners or friends can be educated on ADHD listening styles, fostering a more supportive, understanding, and compassionate communication dynamic.
5. Agree on Signals: Develop agreed-upon signals or cues to indicate listening and engagement that don't rely solely on eye contact and stillness. For example:
Nodding: Agree that a nod means the listener is following along.
Verbal Affirmations: Words like “I’m with you” or “Got it” can reassure the speaker.
Hand Signals: A thumbs-up or other hand gesture can indicate understanding without needing constant eye contact.
Pausing and Checking In: Agree on moments during a conversation where the speaker can pause to check in with the listener.
6. Ventral Vagus Exercises: Exercises to improve ventral vagal tone can help regulate facial expressions and overall emotional regulation. Activities like deep, slow breathing, humming, singing, progressive muscle relaxation, and using sensory tools can stimulate the ventral vagus nerve, improving its tone and enhancing the ability to engage facial muscles appropriately.
In Personal Conversations
Understanding and accommodating the unique ways that people with ADHD process information can lead to better communication and stronger relationships. By acknowledging and adapting to these differences, we can create environments where everyone can thrive.
Now I want to hear from you. Do you identify with this? What have you found helpful?
Drop a note in the comments!
Dr. Shawn Horn
Shawn Horn, PsyD, ADHD-CCSP, is a licensed clinical psychologist, Certified ADHD- Clinical Services Provider and Shame Psychology expert who owns a private practice in Spokane, WA. You can follow her on social media @drshawnhorn and become a member of this website. You can also watch you on YouTube and Learn more by listening to the Inspired Living Podcast
The information on the Inspired Living Blog is intended for educational and informational purposes only. It is not meant to replace professional psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While the content on this blog is provided with the utmost care and accuracy regarding mental health and psychological topics, it is not a substitute for professional consultation with a qualified psychologist or healthcare provider.
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